PTA mom's stash of 2014 Napa Valley Moscato becomes valuable vintage overnight

SUNNYVALE, CA—Karen Covington, 49, staggered into yoga class Thursday morning distressed and filled with woeful energy after learning of the incineration of most of the Napa Valley wine country in what is now considered to be the worst wildfire in California's history. While local news reported that a dozen people had perished along with hundreds of homes in the blaze, Karen found herself most distraught over the destruction of the her favorite vineyard, the Triste Vieja Winery.

"Just a wave of shock. That's the only way I could describe it," Ms. Covington told reporters. "That's been my brand for years."

A long-time Napa Valley staple, Triste Vieja's reputation for modestly priced moscatos, rosé, and zinfandels made it a favorite for many California socialites. "I love that wine," Ms. Covington said tearfully. "You could buy a bottle of it anywhere. I could pick the boys up from lacrosse practice, swing by the 7-11 to grab a couple Gatorades, and there it would be, waiting for me."

Karen and her three terrible boys live in the boring, stuccoed suburbs of Sunnyvale in San Jose, California. Her husband, Craig, owned a sporting goods store, but after it closed in 2008, Mr. Covington has resigned most of his time to listening to talk radio and eating Costco bags full of Hot Pockets. Karen openly credits the majority her life's fading happiness to the presence of Triste Vieja moscato at her weekly girl's night get-togethers.

“It’s just so wonderful to get to relax a bit with my ladies. Barb always has the wildest stories, and Maureen keeps me up-to-date with all the gossip in the PTA. It’s just so fun being bad!” Karen said. “Now that the Triste Vieja is gone, I’m going to have to find something else to serve. Thankfully, I think I have enough bottles stockpiled to give me a few weeks.”

Binghamton St. James II, a retired economics professor at The George Washington University and wine connoisseur, about the implications of the wildfire on California’s wine industry.

“It’s simple, really,” Binghamton St. James II, a retired economics professor at The George Washington University and wine connoisseur, said in an interview Sunday. “Take your example of the Triste Vieja Winery – now that those wines are no longer in production, they will undoubtedly become more popular, more desirable. The older the vintage, the more valuable the bottle. Of course, that particular brand is utter cat-piss swill. But the same principles would hold, I suppose.”

“Oh, that's fantastic!” Karen squealed with delight after hearing about the overnight rise in Triste Vieja's value. “I can’t wait to tell Laurie about this – she’ll be so jealous. But that’s what she gets for “forgetting” to invite Timmy to her daughter’s birthday party. That bitch.”

To read more on this subject, buy our coffee table book "Invisible Portraits: PTA Moms of America," available at a Hallmark Store near you December 2017.

Originally published by Frances Roel at on 10.17.17
133 views on date of transfer.

Satire, CurrentFrances Roel