Professor tells class they may meet their future spouse at GWU; frightens singles and couples alike
FOGGY BOTTOM—After Tuesday’s 12:45 p.m. block of "Intro to American Dance," a number of students reported feeling deeply triggered by Professor Roland D. Moore’s lecture on the history of the interpretative style in the modern period. “The complaints lodged with the Mental Health Services Center derive not from the educational content Professor Moore’s, but from his passing reference to the prospect of marriage immediately following graduation,” said Colonial Health Center general manager and ambassador to the Eighth Circle of Hell, Cornelius Vanderbilt V. “As dictated by our policy, we ignored most of their complaints, prescribed some baby aspirin and billed them a sixty dollar copay.”
“The complaints lodged with the Mental Health Services Center derive not from the educational content Professor Moore’s, but from his passing reference to the prospect of marriage immediately following graduation"
“I could see I was losing them,” said Professor Moore. “And I admit, I was not really in the best frame of mind since I forgot to refill my Starbucks Rewards Card and had to wait in line like a common hooligan, but I had no idea this would be such a trigger for so many. I just brought up the fact that, much like noted early 20th Century dance luminary Isadora Duncan, some students may have the fortune of meeting their future husband or wife here at George Washington.”
“The last few months has been really hard on me,” said sophomore Gary Cohen. “My girlfriend, Suzy, broke up with me just before she went abroad for the fall to Spain. I really didn’t see it coming. I thought we would be together through it all, you know? I thought I was getting over her but then [unintelligible sobbing] Professor…Moore…said that we could [more sobbing] our soulmates! What if that was Suzy? Now she’s gone and probably learning the paso doble with some sexy matador in Barcelona [excessive ugly crying] I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE!” wailed Cohen.
Moore’s unintentional litany of misery did not limit it’s scope to just the singles in the audience. “When he said that we might meet our husbands here, my stomach dropped,” senior Simone Crow said. “Like, holy shit—I adore my bf, Bradley, but like I’m not ready for that level of commitment. I know I’m graduating this year but like I can’t be saddled with one person before I enter my sexual prime. What a waste. Now I have to actually break up with him before we graduate. I really don’t want him to propose like, right after we get our diplomas.”
“When he said that we might meet our husbands here, my stomach dropped"
Professor Moore issued an apology last week and reassured everyone that love, much like interpretive dance, is a mystery and no one can know when it will begin or end. He also explained that he is twice divorced, lives in a studio apartment in Bethesda, and teaches liberal arts at GWU, so his remarks may have come from a place of personal despondency.
Originally published by J.R. Youngblut at gw.therival.news on 10.3.17
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