Petition: Rejoin America to England

Following a difficult 2016 election, many Americans have decided that independence may not have been right for us.

“This whole ‘great experiment’ in democracy has been fun,” said James Smith, New York representative to the first Transcontinental Congress, “but we think we’ve gained all we can from this one.”

Supporters cite high costs, such as military campaigns to spread democracy, and unforeseen side effects, such as long-standing SCOTUS vacancies, as reasons to pull the plug on this experiment with democracy.

“That ‘dissolving political bands’ idea sounded logical at first, but instituting a new government is a lot of work,” Smith said. “We had some good ideas, but practically we should have started smaller than life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

The petition to England, which has over 80,000 signatures, apologizes for thinking the colonies would be better off separate, opening “When political leaders start reading children’s books in Congress instead of discussing laws, it becomes necessary for the people to realize they screwed up.”

Others neo-Tories explained that while many see them as unpatriotic, they just want the best governance possible.

“President Lincoln said we were testing whether ‘any nation so conceived can long endure,’” Allison Johnson, a supporter of the dependence movement, said, “It appears it cannot.”

“We were rebellious,” she said, “but now that we’re trying to support ourselves and have ended up trillions of dollars in debt, it’s clear we weren’t ready to go out on our own.”

The petition further apologizes for accusing England of “abuses and usurpation,” saying “we really weren’t that abused, now that we think about it. You taxed us to run an empire, not to build a wall against French Canadians.”

Originally published at gw.therival.news by Emily Milakovic on 2.27.17.
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SatireEmily Milakovic