Macron enlists the help of Gelman Library mouse in preparation for GWU speech

DOWNTOWN WASHINGTON—On his first night of his maiden diplomatic visit to the United States, French president Emmanuel Macron sought the help of Washington insider and noted scholar, Jérémie the Gelman Library mouse. Concerned that he would have trouble connecting with the young Americans at his town hall at George Washington University, the young president asked Jérémie to guide him through the town hall in the fashion of the 2007 PIXAR documentary Ratatouille.

“He is very worried,” said Macron’s elder advisor and wife Brigitte Trogneux. “The President is a very smart boy, but he has always felt more comfortable among people much older than him. The youths frighten him. He feels it is in his best interest to seek the companionship of a chaperone.”

The two spoke over red Burgundies and fromage de mimolette at Le Sofitel, where His Excellency is staying while in the country. This also marks the first time Jérémie has left his preferred domicile/office/water closet, Gelman 426.

“Macron could not have picked a better mentor,” said Gelman reference librarian Susannah Benson. “He’s exceptionally good with students. Most of them are well acquainted with D.C.’s rodent population and know to stay away, yet there is something charming about Jérémie. Maybe its his tiny glasses or the adorable way he rifles through forgotten tomes and abandoned Starbucks pastry bags. I guess you could say he has a certain je ne sais qu'à.”

Ever the discrete gentlemouse, Monsieur Jérémie declined to speak on any of his current ventures, except for his epidemiology final project, which he says he “can’t do on his own and Becky, Raj, and Monique better need to get on the Doodle and figure out a time when they can all meet even if it’s just for like an hour otherwise he’s going to be very honest in their group evaluation.”

Jérémie’s notoriety has already created ripple effects across campus. Multiple departments have changed the cheating clauses in their syllabi to include express condemnations of using “highly intelligent animals hidden in one’s hair or headwear to assist with testing” ahead of final exams. Even members of American President Donald Trump’s staff have inquired about finding a suitable small rodent that could puppet the executive via his fine, golden-retriever pelt toupee. Unfortunately, President Trump’s scalp is already occupied by a mating pair of Floridian lungworms, making any marionette-scheme a non-starter.

Originally published by J.R. Youngblut at on 4.24.18
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Satire, CampusJ.R. Youngblut