School Without Walls children tear down their own walls amid excitement over Spring Fling

FOGGY BOTTOM—Hundreds of acne-scarred, hormone-ridden teenagers burst forth from the School Without Walls Senior High School Friday after class to camp out for this year's Spring Fling festivities featuring teen heartthrob Lil Pump and dreadlock dreamboat Lil Yachty. Moments later, one student was dead in an accident and riot organizers have called both "highly preventable, but ultimately unsurprising."

The accident happened shortly after many Wallers broke out into a “Gucci Gang” singalong while preparing to wait another twenty-four hours to see the tatted twosome perform. However, when the line grew so long that it wrapped around past the local campus breakfast nook, the GW Delicatessan, a skirmish erupted between the waiting high schoolers and a group of hungover Colonials. Amid the chaos, SWW student Matt Glitchen was killed by a falling retaining barrier or wall from “School Without Walls.”

“Matt get totally demolished. Hilarious. Classic Matt. He truly lived that Gucci Gang lifestyle. Legend.” said SWW junior Matt Hirshwitz with a stylish dab. Unphased by any ruckus or deaths they may have caused, the forest of children walked past Matt's dead body with the same nonchalance that they demonstrate when swarming through Gallery.

Through his manager, Gazzie Garcia—known to his fans as Lil Pump—issued a statement after the riot. "Nah dawg, it's like mad tragic. Ha, ain't the first time people gone totally crayballs at one of my Pump Hump Partays. But like, that be my Gucci Gang; they be hella passionate, you kno? Gucci train, toot toot can't stop won't stop we represent the future. Nawh but rest in peace my dude dizzle, you were the foshnizzle. Peace, Love, Benjamins."

In response to their son’s death, Matt’s parents have already donated one million dollars to the “Don’t Get Hit by a Wall While Inciting Lil Pump-oriented Riots Foundation” in order to spread awareness and prevent future tragedies.

The Schools Without Walls administration has announced that in the wake of this tragedy, all architectural features such as walls, barriers, and palisades, that may limit the visions or dreams of their students in life or death are to be removed. "It’s about fucking time,” said Blue Ribbon Teacher of the Year, and noted skeptic of the #MeToo movenment, Norman Martinez. "We've stayed quiet about the dangers of freestanding buildings for far too long. As I always say to my female students, "Silence is Consent."

Due to the weather and the presence of so many screaming gremlins, most GWU students plan on avoiding the event. When interviewed, many students don't even know who Lil Pump is with a popular breastfeeding device by the same name, while others assumed it was a slang term for teenage masturbation. Senior Stacy Chapman was particularly puzzled. "I thought it was a petname. My grandma calls me: 'her littlest pumpkin.' Isn't this more of a Fall Fest act?"

Originally published by Zoe Waldman at on 4.7.18
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Campus, SatireZoe Waldman