The signs as countries we might go to war with

Aries (March 21 — April 19): North Korea

If threatening to start a war with the most powerful country on Earth seems a little impulsive or rash, it’s because it is. Impatient and diving head first into something they aren’t ready for, Aries as North Korea leads the zodiac calendar with little-to-no preparation.

Taurus (April 20 — May 20): Mexico

Just like when the neighbor won’t repair the crumbling fence on his side of the property line, Mexico is one stubborn bull. Despite having been informed that they will in fact pay for the wall, the country keeps digging in its heels, refusing to sway — has the Trump administration considered cow tipping?

Gemini (May 21 — June 20): China

The twins have multiple personalities and ever-changing versions of the truth. Which way is up? Which way is down? Does Trump know where the South China Sea is? In typical Gemini confusion, it’s very unclear where China stands — or rather, where we stand with China.
They manipulate currency! We love manufacturing there! Oh, about Taiwan, uh, LOOK, BEHIND YOU!

Cancer (June 21 — July 22): Australia

Okay, we get it, you’re the sensitive type. But just because we hung up on your prime minister one time doesn’t mean you need to be your usual moody self. Yes, everything on your continent is trying to kill you, but seriously, chill. Most likely reason for war: fear of a boxing kangaroo army.

Leo (July 23 — Aug. 22): Spain

The last thing we need in the process of making America great is some egotistical showoffs bragging about how they “found the place.” You’re the captain of the football team, still bragging about it in a bar 20 years later — a classic Leo move. Yes, you were great, but your time has passed. World’s biggest empire in 18th century? Not anymore. Losers. SAD!

Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22): Germany

Compulsively ordered, exacting, no-nonsense Germany, the ever-efficient maiden. Virgos have firm stances on allowing shoes and Nazis indoors. Possible reasons for war include jealousy over Merkel and Obama’s relationship, Germany’s universal healthcare, and misinterpreting their terrifying language as threats.

Libra (Sept. 23 — Oct. 22): Iraq

The worst sign to plan a meal with, Libras are indecisive and seemingly incapable of making up their minds (pizza or burgers, it’s not that hard). Their commitment problems keep them from being the ideal new beau, with questions always swirling. Are they committed to going forward with “us”? Or are they seeing radical Islamic groups on the side?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 — Nov. 21): Syria

If you want a drama-free evening, no Scorpios allowed — they’re just too intense. It’s hard for outsiders to understand Scorpios’ depth, and the complexity of years of civil war between multiple factions ravaging an entire nation, but they just need help lightening up. It’s not an invasion; it’s an intervention.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21): Tuvalu

Flighty and filled with wanderlust, you archers are always looking to travel and find adventure. Tuvalu is getting ready to explore a new place, too — the bottom of the ocean. In under 50 years, rising sea levels will have caused Tuvalu to sink enough to become unlivable.

Why go to war with a country already collapsing, especially one just 10 square miles in size? Because running things into the ground is a Trump trademark, and not even little Tuvalu gets a pass.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19): Russia

With Capricorns, you better watch your back, because being top dog is their biggest priority. They might be helping you, whether with a work assignment or national election, but make no mistake, they’re doing it because it benefits them. Victory for the motherland first, friends second.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18): Tajikistan

Detached and unemotional, water-bearers don’t like to open up too much. But part of that might be because you don’t reach out enough; are we sure we even know where it is? War would be unintentional, just an understandable mistake where we confuse all countries that end in -stan.

Pisces (Feb. 19 — March 20): Madagascar

Ever seen one of your friends staring off into space, completely distracted? Probably a Pisces. In their defense, they can’t help it — no one planned to end up on a large island with its own unique environment. War breaks out once the president deems it unjust that he has to make a whole nation great while these water signs get to play with lemurs and lounge on the beach.

Don’t like the country your sign is? Don’t worry, there’s a chance we’ll have a new pool of countries to choose from next year!

Originally published at by Emily Milakovic on 5.9.17.
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