A Word From The Rival Satire Section

We’re out, motherfuckers!

It is with heavy hearts that we, the remaining members of The Rival Satire, announce the end of The Rival’s most successful and enjoyable section. It became clear that the satire section could not continue after the first meeting of the new semester, as we discovered the group was composed entirely of women. Never before in the history of The Rival, or comedy, has this been the case.

After the dismal meeting, where many tears and uterus linings were shed, editor Mackenzie White made the tough decision:

“I don’t think that we’ll be able to cut it this year without a hilarious douchebag in charge,” White commented. “As a group of strong women, we just don’t have that fresh, unique perspective a white guy in rumpled khakis and Warby Parker glasses has to offer.”

White was not the only one concerned with the makeup of the group. Junior and April the Giraffe scholar Claire Cantrell expressed similar views. “I mean, there’s only so many period jokes we can make, right?”

We realize that it is a well-known fact that women are simply not funny. Rather than subject the entire 31 people who read The Rival to a semester of mediocre jokes, lame headlines, and weak concepts, we have decided that it is the better part of valor to shut our proverbial doors until a man penetrates our ranks and shows us what to do. Until then, we will be raising a Midol-laced pint of Ben & Jerry’s to Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Gilda Radner, Leslie Jones, Melissa McCarthy, Kathleen Madigan, Ally Wong, and all the other women who couldn’t hack it in the comedy business because their big ol’ vaginas got in the way.