GWU confirms SEH street preacher as 2019 commencement speaker

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FOGGY BOTTOM — While many students recently rejoiced in the fact that classes were canceled due to the polar vortex, University President Thomas J. Leblanc and an illustrious committee of administrative officials looked towards warmer days. The committee, comprised of respected professors as well as bonus pick Steve Doocy of Fox & Friends, made a final selection for GWU’s 2019 Commencement Ceremony speaker: The SEH Street Preacher.

Leblanc elaborated in a press conference on Monday that, “Essentially, it came down to him and Peter Konwerski. And while Peter has been an integral part of the GW community we just felt that the SEH Street Preacher related more intimately with the GW community and had interacted on a more significant level.”

When asked to comment, the SEH Street Preacher spoke with reverence for the connections he has made during his escapades on H Street, recalling, “You know when I first stood on that corner with my boombox I thought two things. Firstly, ‘this boombox is really hard to lug around I should probably hire someone.’ And secondly, I wanted to impart some knowledge on the students. So when I heard that I had been selected to be the commencement speaker I thought to myself ‘well...guess I better invest in a bigger boombox.’”

The area preacher, recognized for what is colloquially known as “hot takes,” says he plans to supply all graduates with posters that read “Banweb can’t give me salvation but Bible can,” and “atheism is temporary, student debt is forever!”

Commencement is scheduled for May 19, 2019, on the National Mall.