Health center inundated by patients with mysterious illness; leprechauns likely to blame

Since the weekend, the doctors at the Colonial Health Center have been facing a serious, but unknown illness. The plague seems to have begun Monday morning, when a student arrived complaining of sudden hair growth, dizziness, shrinkage, and severe hangover symptoms. Upon further examination, doctors concluded that the student was suffering from some kind of illness brought on by recent St. Patrick’s Day celebrations.

Dr. Bohannon Higgins, a resident at the George Washington University Hospital, voiced concern over the state of the students now in his care. “I can’t explain why most of them now resemble leprechauns and I’m completely baffled by how their blood mutated into Guinness Stout. Given their symptoms, however, their belligerent behavior and general distrust of my British colleague seem reasonable.”

Sunday saw typical St. Patrick’s Day shenanigans on campus, with many students dressed in green and drinking profusely. “It’s interesting that St. Patrick’s Day has become such a big holiday in the United States,” Professor Flanagan O’Malley commented Monday afternoon. “It’s a day when Irish ancestry is celebrated, but also a day when those who really, really, really want to be Irish can pretend like they are.”

As of now, the affected students have been moved to the university’s hospital for further evaluation. The Colonial Health Center has issued a statement recommending anyone feeling nauseous or suddenly growing ginger hair should head to urgent care.

“We hope to have a handle on this soon,” Dr. Higgins. “We’re keeping our fingers crossed the supposed luck o’ the Irish kicks in soon. It would be a shame if these students were stuck as Irish tropes for the rest of their time at GW.”